Now I find myself almost 30, just weeks away from moving to the suburbs, and only 1.3 kids short of the national average (and sure to catch up some day soon.) Yet, I'm surprisingly comfortable with this scenario. In fact, I fantasize daily about how great it will be once we have more space, a yard, a quiet evening at home without our neighbor's video games in the background, etc. But my comfort with my future as a mom, housewife, and midwife who lives in, well, the suburbs, has led me to ponder one thing.....
Would my idealistic, worldly, goal-driven 22 year-old self be disappointed in me?
Part of me scoffs at her. How easy it is to look down on others when you yourself do not have to answer to anyone. Gosh, what a sacrifice to work with the homeless in Puerto Rico...yet let's face it, Ann, the hours you spent on the beach are at least equal to the hours of service you did! Living on $400 a month-that's tough, but you had no one but yourself to spend it on, with rent paid and with no college loans to worry about (thanks, Mom & Dad!) Now I have a husband and a daughter, grad school and car loans to pay off, and I am about to add a mortgage payment to the mix. Is it so wrong that my husband and I have to hold steady jobs in order to support these things? Am I supposed to ditch my family and go do service in Latin America? Or should I bring my daughter along and let her hang out with prostitutes and drug addicts?
Still, there was something in my 22 year old self that I admire, and well, miss a little bit. That girl was very comfortable being uncomfortable. She was good at fitting in with people so different than herself. She attended quincenera parties where she was the only white person, spent time with HIV positive drug addicts, and walked through "dangerous" neighborhoods without batting an eye. She was unmaterialistic, requiring very little to be happy. She could deal with life with no air conditioning, no hot water, sewage backups into the toilet, sharing a room, sleeping on the floor, mosquito bites daily, crappy food and second hand clothes.
In contrast, the me that I've become requires a king bed to be comfortable and is way, way too good to sleep on the floor. She whines excessively when she's too hot or too cold. She hates to camp because it involves "getting dirty." She hasn't left the country in almost 2 years, and when she does think about leaving, it's for some comfortable vacation to Europe, not to anywhere in the 3rd world. This me has developed a taste for fancy food at nice restaurants, and turns her nose up at greasy spoon diners, which used to be all that she could afford. She usually looks away when she sees a homeless person on the street, not because she doesn't care, but because she doesn't think there's anything she can do to help. She's twice committed to service projects and then backed out because she just doesn't have the time now that there's this baby to care for...
Sigh...it's true that I've lost some things, but I like to think I've gained some abilities as well.
My almost 30 year old self doesn't need to leave the country in search of adventure. She can find fun and amusement in simple things, like her daughter's giggle when being pushed on the swings at the park or her excitement at opening her Easter basket. Any plans this self makes require thinking about someone else's needs first, as in "I'll cut my Target trip short because Eliza's clearly not handling this" or "I guess that instead of jogging those 4 miles I was trying to get in, I'll walk that last 2 while carrying my baby and pushing the jogging stroller...sigh" or "Better do that laundry so Kyle actually has underwear to wear to work."
I guess what I'm saying is, while I don't want to devalue my 22 year-old self's opinions, there has to be a way to mix the old and the new in order to become a "me" that I can be proud of. I made some choices as a college student and young person, such as the choice to learn Spanish, that are still guiding me today in my work and family life, so the challenge is to keep letting that spirited young woman guide me while not losing sight of my current responsibilities. Perhaps she was right to be wary of my inevitable transition to the suburbs. It will undoubtedly be a struggle to avoid falling into the privileged white, middle class bubble where a person quickly starts to loose interest in the rest of the world and it's problems. But it doesn't have to be like that. I may be off to the suburbs in a few weeks, but I'm still committed to making the world a better place, albeit in a very different way than I had imagined as a 22 year old!
